why silir angin..?

Suddenly “sky walker” asked me just few nights before for me using “silir angin” as my ID. She even insisted that there must be strong principal and philosophy inside. Gosh, i just love it like the way i love you. (tssaaaahhh..)

I wouldn’t dodge that i had some kind of not-able-to-be-told-reason for choosing “silir angin” as the representation of my -other-self. Thinking of having one or two simple words to define me-which was truly different than me at that time as i found myself avid of words as well as equations-was simply interfering. I thought i was really bad in representing the “taste” of words, that is why i recall a word which was mild but robust for certain situation that could be my medicine, healer, or sedative. Something that could effect my bad personality in the future into better one. Is it really important to be revealed? Kind of exaggerating. (hufftttttt..)

Let’s focus on this. Actually, I’m fond of Javanese words which are full of many meaningful philosophy. “Silir” was something related to mild caress. “Angin” was simply translated as wind in English. Truly, when we combine both, those are the perfect “invisible serenity”. No hands for wiping the heartbreaking tears and no hug for grasping the weariness heart. I only have prayer and conviction that all the pain shall pass from you (and from me too). With the greatest hope that while I’m trying to heal others, then I’ll be healed too.

Too simple, without something distinctive.



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don’t judge yourself as God..!

It’s nearly 5 years of my dedication to be a “lecture-called”. Totally different with the era when I was a college student for the past 10 years. Well-behaved and well-ordered performance before the show in facing the lecturers were part of daily routine. It’s God damn important to be as perfect as you can to eliminate the unpredictable cases in the future. But, I tell you for sure there’s a lesson-learned. I felt like being under surveillance so that I need to be really careful in many ways. Not only in studying, but also in other human kind relationship (with friends and faculty members).

Lately, I’ve been messaged by my student who was asking for my consideration to repair his final score in my course. A typical senior who was acted as he deserved for a sympathy. Something that I really hate most is begging like a beggar while his/her body was healthy. Where was the brain? Mentally sick completed with silly shortcut. So, is this the generation? One of my favorite principle is “There’s no more space for you to go except GOING UP when you were down”. Begging must be gifted to your God only.

After finish with the message, he told me something which was more ridiculous such: “It’s beneficiary for helping me fix my score. Moreover you’ll be granted for God’s reward”. Is he a best friend of God? Did he know precisely God’s calculation of reward? God is never judging instantly.

I’ll go back to my past story when I was taking Mechanics of Structure 5 course. At that semester, I was also doing my Bachelor Thesis which topic was related to that course and fortunately my supervisor was the one who was lecturing that course. Shortly, I failed in that course but with pride. My lecturer (and my supervisor as well) said that I was able to pass with C score, but he decided to give me D either. Some words came out from him to encourage me that it’s the best way to do to rise up my spirit of mastering this course. I didn’t disagree at all and it’s good to take another semester for battling with that course. Anyway, the result was, I couldn’t finish my bachelor thesis in one year though 😀

No regret at all while we strive for the best. For the slow, just enjoy the time and phase. For the fast, plan it good and keep the dream high.

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It’s about an option

There was a day when a girl sought for a good thing in the future. She was thinking until the will is forgotten without an ending.

There was a day when a girl felt that a happy day was coming. She expected that it will be true and the best day will be happened soon. 

There was a day when a girl had gotten back her brave. She moved forward with an action and decided to take whatever the result

_near the limit of patience, but the patience should be unlimited_  🙂

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ice man…

Maybe it’s because of daily routine of sitting by the way to wait for the bus that makes me aware of many kinds of struggling people in earning money. Me, of course includes in one of a kind. The only thing that concerns me a lot is the peddler who sells chicken porridge. It’s been a long time that I wish to buy it as a breakfast, but it crystallizes until now. I can not lie myself that my mouth starts to water whenever the peddlers pass me through. Stop talking about the chicken porridge, my stomach has started a choir. 😆

It’s been a habit that I sit in front a closed store while waiting for the bus. In contrary, a great show is presented. Beside the peddler of chicken porridge, there are the peddler of siomay, batagor, kue rangi, pecel, and so on. One of them is a woman. A portrait of survival from a cruel situation made by a “rotten rats” who pledges to work on behalf of  people. Another show also nicely perform by an ice man. Actually, I don’t know how to describe his job. Every morning around 6 AM, he will appears with his conveyance to bring some blocks of ice.

Initially, I do not consider his job as important as a manager. But, many food stalls and small stores rely on his distinction. He  drops all the ice to customers without any great expectations of salary. Those customers might not be able to provide a refrigerator or even a freezer to keep all the drinking-to-be-sold cold. They only have icebox to store all the drinking.I don’t think that it’s a mutual relationship which generates millions of money, but the sincerity is truly shown here.

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lost by questions

The smart will ask until the details, while the fool will keep questioning why it is so hard to ask.

Once, I heard a youngster ask their mother/father why the sugar is sweet and the salt is salty. The adults maybe shocked for this (unreasonable) silly question. We will not consider it is a silly question if we are taking so much errrrr… or ehhmm… before answering. If the adults categorized as a “fool”, they might say that it has been destined to. Some other time my friend told me a story about her niece about the sunny-side up for breakfast. This little girl asked why the eyes of the sunny-side up are just one. Who is to be blame?

In another times, I amazed with a group of a college student about the meticulous subject. One of them appears to the best on that subject. The rest are craved for simplest explanation in understanding the subject. The discussion starts with the frown of the masters in finding the simplest words to be illuminated and ends with the double frowns on the followers. The master can easily explain from A to Z, but the followers are lost in space about their questions. No wonder that some say that the best always cursed him/herself of not being able to do more after a hard battle, while the average always satisfy with the sufficient boundary with an ordinary preparations.

In a rare time while I was flying to Taipei after a transit in Hongkong, I met a Japanese guy and had a long conversation along the way. In the part of talking about the family, he told me about his two sisters who had got married and had children as well. He was the eldest in the family and felt no burden in telling me that he had not married yet. Then, I spontaneously ask him why he had not got married yet. After this question, it had been so hard for him to answer the question or at least find some reasons to avoid it. I also strengthened using a little Japanese Doushite… It took a few minutes for him to find an answer, and finally he did not answer it and kept on showing a panic face of not being able answer it in any single word. I ended up his misery with “Forget about that”. I never knew that for some persons, a very ordinary question can be so hard to answer. It might not be his priority to get married in the age “still” 30 or maybe a marriage would not be in his life dictionary. Only God knows.

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(fake) mother…

Mother is physically a woman who blessed with high sensitivity and tenderness. But lately I have found a different alliteration phenomenon to describe a mother. Physically she will not always be a woman and the woman herself will not always be categorized as a mother. Maybe you will always believe that your mother is your birth mother that will always be the real mother until unlimited time. But, as I said before, the impression of mother itself has deviated into somebody else or even something else.

Globalization, social interaction, or physical need of a figure about parenting may donate this kind of deviation. Some will declare that my father is also my mother because of a sudden death or an unnecessary divorce in a nuclear family. I believe we will not be surprised of this pronouncement. Yet, some other family member such as step mother, grandfather (grandmother), sisters (brothers), or someone else who still has kinship with him/her are able to be a (fake) mother.

Kinship is not always working to be one’s figure of a mother. Some will explore much more to find the most eligible character to be a (fake) mother. Some needs a character which will potentially satisfy their needs of certain acknowledgment and affection with no strings attached. He/she will just accept the happiness of some affections transfer from those characters temporarily. A teacher, foster parents, close-friend (boyfriend and girlfriend might be counted), or superior (inferior) will be some of the characters.

But some prominent figures might be shocking for some of us to be associated with a mother. Less people take a homeless drifter, a gangster, or even a brothel keeper as a (fake) mother. Of course with a huge distortion of the meaning and motivation, those figures can be reflected almost the same as mother. Ironic. For the sake of the basic needs of being protected, avowal, or even economical satisfaction is much powerful to define a prominent and lovable figure.

Conversely, in a dazing search of mother-figure, some experience a most startling emotion with a woman-shaped-mother. A mother turns into an evil, viper, and even a death angel. What a life! So, whatever the definition, shape, physical performance of a mother is on you. The mother-character mostly needed in a real performance so that you can feel the warmth of affection and serenity. But, the essence of a mother must be represented in God for sure. When, we still have the mother-character tangibly, please show your best appreciation of having her. But, when you lose it, convince yourself that the essence is still spreading in your life through the mercy of God.

If you are a woman, be happy of being it. Then if you are a mother-will-be, a journey of blessing time is on you. But if you are a (fake) mother, a salute is compatible for you.

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cry me a river

This kind of ritual is freakish for me. I will never do it if it isn’t inside the bathroom or in the middle or hard rain. Well, I just don’t want to look silly, goofy, and overly sentimental by doing this ritual. But, still there were times when I could not stop my eyes of dripping the tears. These three persons were lucky to see me crying like a fool. My mom was not included, because she caught me crying by surprise from the day I breathed the first air in this world.

Call her Risma. We have been together for years. Maybe she suspected me as a realistic person with no heart and insensitive, not like her unconditionally. There were no compatibility between us, but we had shared some stories. So, the day was one day before I went to Taiwan. She insisted to come to see me that night before I went away just for a book of diary. She requested me to write everything happened in my life during my staying in Taiwan. Bad or good. No matter how silly it was, just wrote it. Then she will asked back the story on the day I go back Indonesia. Besides, she also passed me a short story that she required me to read it after I had been in Taiwan. Those were all. I remembered that I hugged her tautly. Then, you can guess what happen to me in time. A plot of tears in my cheeks.

Name her Ririn. The destiny of the twins starts here. We were twins by name, not birth. Of course, she is a year older than me, so we could not be considered as the real twin. But from the day we decided to bind the friendship, everyone got lousy of differing us. If we were not together, the people started complaining of us being separated. What a drama queen! She delivered me to the airport when I flew to Taiwan. She even got a permission just to send me off and brought me a nice gift. She had supported me in everything while I got the scholarship until the day I finish it. That is why I could not stop my tears in the airport when I passed the check in board. I am still thinking of her kindness until now.

Mention her as Bunga. How should I describe her? We matched by needs firstly. Sounds rude, but it was the fact. I will reveal that she was one of the wonderful persons that I met in a short time of facing each other. I believed that we met in prayers. Alhamdulillah, that the internet connection in Taiwan is fabulous. So the thirst of telling everything (important or not) could be bridged by technology. She declared that she had autism in nature, but unfortunately I did not feel it everytime I was in touch with her. She always provides me (until now) with some kind of attentions that I can’t explain the effect inside of me. She frequently boosts me to the limit that I am not sure that I can pass it. Kaohsiung Masjid must be the witness of my foolish-unplanned ritual. At that time, I was in a complete conviction of her status in her study. But, she kept on rumbling to me to stand up tall in facing my thesis which is in the middle of despair. Frankly speaking, she was just starting her thesis because of a sudden change of the topic which is in a worse condition than me. The more she rumbling “You must stand up tall, Pan!”, the more I tears came out. How could she do it to me in the middle of her uncertainties! Next, I felt like committing to errors by leaving her extended her study, after I finished my study in Taiwan and got back to Indonesia. Still, I only have a prayer for her.

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